Your story sounds eerily similar to my own. I don't check this website too often nowadays, but today when I happened to browse, your post brought up old and distant memories.
My ex-husband has childhood onset diabetes. I Often wonder the possibility of the hypoglycemia seizures that he has had through the years might have damaged his brain. We were married for 15 year, he had DDJ for the last 4. I used "had" because we have not lived together for 4 years and are now divorced for 3, so I have no way of knowing if he continues to have delusional thoughts post divorce.
My story is so similar to yours in many aspects. In the beginning it was infrequent (every 6 months or so) accusations, so it was easy for me to forgive and brush it off. Then it was every 2 months for about half a year. During that period, I did a polygraph and passed.(In the hindsight, I will advice anyone who is considering it to forget it. It did not help and was a complete waste of time. ) Then it became full-blown. He became distant and weird. That lasted for about 5 months before he eventually moved out and filed for divorce. He also accused his best friend from childhood for having an affair with me, as well as some family friends. He wanted me to keep all the accusations secret and had always put on a facade that we were a happy couple. I tried everything with the intention to keep the marriage together for the children. At the end, he used divorce to "punish" me. He was eventually diagnosed with DDJ through the parenting evaluation process during the divorce.
Looking back, I think I was too naive and did not recognize the severity of his mental illness. In a regular healthy relationship, if one person suspects the other of cheating, he would confront the other, perhaps trying to work it out, or files for divorce. There should not be all the extensive mind games, manipulations, drama, punishment, and mental abuse. All the proofs that we laid in front of them, should have been enough.
If your husband refuses to recognize that he needs help, then I see very little hope of your relationship getting better. In fact, if he is in the "punishing" mode, you need to start seriously considering protecting yourself, both physically and financially.
In my case, I now think that maybe my ex was having fantasy of other women and possibly having some sort of inner struggles of it. (the cheating accusations were self projections). It is also possible that he has had some unsolved issues with his mother and he eventually projected it on me.
My ex seems to function well after the divorce. He had several relationships but none was long-lasting. I think he is smart enough to break it off when he starts to have weird thoughts about the woman. (He is well aware of the DDJ diagnosis). Our relationship post divorce has been quite difficult at times. He continues to have cognitive distortion about me. Unfortunately we still have to be connected because of the children. I try to have minimum contacts with him and also limit our communication through only emails and texts. That way when he has altered memories and accusations (yes, it's still coming my way, except now they are in other areas of life) I have proofs to support myself.
My advice for you will be to prepare yourself for an end of your relationship with your husband. move on and start a new stage of your life. There is little that you can do other than continue to suffer and being the "source" of his delusions. I can attest that in my case, my children are in a much better place when I am both mentally and physically healthy. I understand that it is difficult to walk away from the man that you once loved and vowed to spend the rest of your lives together. In my case, I had to constantly remind myself that the man that I married to was "dead" and there was a stranger now lived in his body. (If you read other threads of this forum, sometimes people describe their DDJ love ones as being "body-snatched") My 4 years of DDJ nightmare was very very dark, and my life now is nothing but light and bright. I am thankful everyday that my ex used divorce to "punish" me and this ultimate "punishment" turned out to set me free.
All the best wishes.
Source: http://www.psychforums.com/delusional-disorder/topic101099.html
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