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বুধবার, ২ জানুয়ারি, ২০১৩
'Tis The Season For (Other People's) Self-Improvement
?Ahhh?perfection at last,? I said.
And then I had an idea. While I may be perfect, my children could certainly use a little improvement - so I thought up a few resolutions for them to work on in the coming year. (You?re welcome, kids.)
For little four-month old Marie, you must resolve to stop spitting up so frequently and disgustingly. Or, at least stop spitting up on me. You will never land a husband or find gainful employment if you continue in this manner.?
?Gee, I would love to hire that lovely Marie woman for the job, but she kept spitting up during the interview,? they will say. Again, it is disgusting and will only get more disgusting as you graduate to adult foods.
For David, my amazing 11-year-old superstar, I?m giving you two resolutions ? because I know you can handle them. First, you must resolve to stop growing taller. Dear old dad here is only 5?4 and 1/16th, and this growing bonanza you?re currently on smacks of disrespect.?
Growing horizontally is fine, but vertical growth is a no-no. If you choose to ignore my resolution and continue skyward, I ask that you start slouching or develop terrible posture.Second, you shall resolve to stop mocking me with your flowing, full head hair. Notice that I said ?head? hair. I have no problem with you sprouting ear, back, and nose hair. In fact, I would like that very much. But cool it on the head hair.
For Caitlin, I ask that you resolve to stop bringing your homework home. It?s not that I don?t want to help you, it?s that I can?t help you. As you too will realize one day, most of the things you?re being taught right now will be of absolutely no use later in life, which is why I have purged everything you?re currently being taught, and why, when you ask me a question about theorems or hypotenuses, I say ?Excuse me for a minute? be right back,? and then sneak off to bed. So let's take the ?home? out of homework, and instead call it ?schoolwork,? and then, you know, do it AT school.
For Eddie or Jimmy ? my beautiful, not-identical-yet-still-oddly-indistinguishable three-year-old twins, I ask that one of you (yes, only one of you need undertake this resolution), develop a tick, foreign accent, or limp which will help me identify you more quickly.?
Ideally, this fun new character trait will be both physical (a limp), as well as oral (the accent), so as to aid in your identification over the phone. Despite Doctor Wong?s assurances that confusing the two of you would cease to be an issue this far into your development, this has not turned out to be the case, as you have likely noticed.
Last, but not least, for little TBD (we?re considering Elmira if you?re a girl, and Scott if you?re a boy), I ask that you resolve to stay off your mother?s bladder as often as possible. I realize that space is tight down there, but if you could see your way to maneuver yourself out of that particular spot, it would mean a whole lot less discomfort for your mom which, in turn, will spare me the aggravation of having to hear about her bladder every thirty-eight seconds.
Should you think of any additional resolutions that might make 2013 even more super, don?t hesitate to add those to your resolution list!?Happy New Year, kids!
Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com
Published December 31, 2012 at 11:13 AM
James is the Founder, Editor, and Writer/Designer of the parody parenting newspaper,?The Parenteer. ?Founded in March of 2012, The Parenteer is the first and only parody newspaper focused exclusively on parenting. Prior to founding The Parenteer, Clunie was a Senior Vice President/Creative Director at the advertising agency BBDO in New York. There, he produced award-winning campaigns for such brands as FedEx, eBay, AT&T, HBO and Red Stripe Beer. Clunie?s work can be found in advertising textbooks and in the Museum of Modern Art?s permanent collection.?
He lives in Manhattan?s Upper West Side with his wife and children. ?
The Parenteer website: ?TheParenteer.com??
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheParenteer
Twitter: @TheParenteer?
Source: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-7244/tis-the-season-for-other-peoples-self-improvement.html
Gunmen kill 5 female teachers in Pakistan
A father of an aid worker, who was killed by gunmen, mourns the death of his daughter at a hospital in Swabi, Pakistan, Tuesday, Jan. 1, 2013. Gunmen in northwest Pakistan killed at least five female teachers and two aid workers on Tuesday in an ambush on a van carrying workers home from their jobs at a community center, officials said. (AP Photo/Mohammad Sajjad)
A father of an aid worker, who was killed by gunmen, mourns the death of his daughter at a hospital in Swabi, Pakistan, Tuesday, Jan. 1, 2013. Gunmen in northwest Pakistan killed at least five female teachers and two aid workers on Tuesday in an ambush on a van carrying workers home from their jobs at a community center, officials said. (AP Photo/Mohammad Sajjad)
A Pakistani driver who survived an attack on a van which was targeted by gunmen in Swabi , lies at the Lady Reading Hospital bed after being admitted for treatment, in Peshawar, Pakistan, Tuesday, Jan. 1, 2013. Gunmen killed several female teachers and two other people on Tuesday in an ambush on a van carrying workers home from their jobs at a community center in northwest Pakistan, officials said. The attack was a reminder of the risks faced by educators and aid workers, especially women, in an area where Islamic militants often target women and girls trying to get an education or female teachers working with both genders. (AP Photo/Mohammad Sajjad)
A Pakistani police officer, left, talks on the radio while cameramen flim the site of a blast in Karachi, Pakistan, Tuesday, Jan. 1, 2013. At least 30 people were injured when a bomb went off in the port city of Karachi just as a large political rally was dispersing. A Senior police officer said the bomb was planted in a motorcycle parked amid a crowd of buses for political workers returning from the rally held by the Muttahida Qaumi Movement, the dominant political party in Karachi. (AP Photo/Shakil Adil)
A Pakistani policeman stands next to the body of an aid worker, who was killed by gunmen, at a hospital in Swabi, Pakistan, Tuesday, Jan. 1, 2013. Gunmen in northwest Pakistan killed at least five female teachers and two aid workers on Tuesday in an ambush on a van carrying workers home from their jobs at a community center, officials said. (AP Photo/Mohammad Sajjad)
Pakistani men carry the body of a teacher, who was killed by gunmen, from a hospital for burial in Swabi, Pakistan, Tuesday, Jan. 1, 2013. Gunmen in northwest Pakistan killed five female teachers and two aid workers on Tuesday in an ambush on a van carrying workers home from their jobs at a community center, officials said. (AP Photo/Mohammad Sajjad)
PESHAWAR, Pakistan (AP) ? Gunmen in northwest Pakistan killed five teachers and two aid workers from a non-governmental organization Tuesday as they were driving home from work. The group's director said they may have been targeted for their anti-polio work.
Militants in the past have accused health workers of acting as spies for the U.S., alleging the vaccine is intended to make Muslim children sterile. Last month, nine people working on an anti-polio vaccination campaign were shot and killed. Four of those shootings were in the northwest where Tuesday's attack took place.
The attack was another reminder of the risks to women educators and aid workers from Islamic militants who oppose their work. It was in the same conservative province where militants shot and seriously wounded 15-year-old Malala Yousufzai, an outspoken young activist for girls' education, in October.
There was no immediate claim of responsibility for the latest shootings.
In a separate attack in the southern city of Karachi, also likely to have been carried out by militants, four people were killed and dozens injured when a bomb went off just as a large political rally was dispersing.
The teachers and aid workers in the northwest were killed in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province on their way home from a community center where they worked at a medical clinic and primary school.
The director of the group targeted Tuesday said he suspected that the workers were attacked because the non-governmental organization has been active in vaccination campaigns designed to wipe out polio.
Javed Akhtar, from Support With Working Solutions, said the clinic where the aid workers worked had helped vaccinate children, and many of the NGO's staff had taken part in vaccination campaigns.
That attack was in an area where Islamic militants often target women and girls trying to get an education or female teachers.
Militants in the province have blown up schools and killed female educators. They have also kidnapped and killed aid workers, viewing them as promoting a foreign agenda.
Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province, formerly called the Northwest Frontier province, borders the tribal areas of Pakistan along the frontier with Afghanistan to the west. Militant groups such as the Taliban have used the tribal areas as a stronghold from which to wage war both in Afghanistan and against the Pakistani government. Often that violence has spilled over into the mostly Pashtun province of Khyber Pakhtunkhwa.
In 2007, the Taliban led by Maulana Fazlullah took over the scenic Swat Valley, marking the height of their strength there. The Pakistani military later pushed the militant group from the valley but the Taliban has repeatedly tried to reassert itself.
The teachers were killed along with two health workers, one man and one woman. Their driver was wounded. They were on their way home from a community center in the town of Swabi where they were working at a primary school for girls and adjoining medical center.
The injured driver told investigators that the gunmen stopped the vehicle and removed a boy ? the son of one of the women ? before indiscriminately opening fire, said police officer Fazal Malik.
Swabi police chief Abdur Rasheed said most of the women killed were between the ages of 20 and 22. He said four gunmen who used two motorcycles fled the scene and have not been apprehended.
The gunmen on motorcycles opened fire with automatic weapons, said Akhtar. The NGO conducts programs in the education and health sectors and runs the community center in Swabi, he said. The group has been active in the city since 1992, and started the Ujala Community Welfare Center in 2010, he added. Ujala means "light" in Urdu.
The center is financed by the Pakistani government's Poverty Alleviation Program and a German organization, said Akhtar.
He said the NGO also runs health and education projects in the South Waziristan tribal area, as well as health projects in the cities of Tank and Dera Ismail Khan and the regions of Lower Dir and Upper Kurram. All of those cities and regions are in northwest Pakistan, the area that has been most affected by the ongoing fight with militants opposed to the current government.
Aid groups such as Support With Working Solutions often provide a vital role in many areas of Pakistan where the government has been unable to provide services such as medical clinics or schools. In some areas like the northwest, they have had to work to overcome community fears that they are promoting a foreign agenda at odds with local traditions and values.
But many local residents in Swabi said the school and medical center provided a vital service to the community and mourned those who were killed.
Murad Khan said his daughter was studying at the primary school, which provided free books and uniforms to students. He said many people in the area are now worried that the school and clinic will close.
"This school is like a gift for all of us, the poor people of the village," he said. "People in our area are sad."
The NGO director said he has directed staff at all projects to stop working for the time being until security measures are reviewed but vowed that they would resume their work soon.
He said that the NGO had not received any threats before the attack.
In Karachi, senior police officer Asif Ejaz Shaikh said the bomb that killed four was planted in a motorcycle parked amid a crowd of buses for political workers returning from the rally held by the Muttahida Qaumi Movement. The MQM is the dominant political party in Karachi.
There was no immediate claim of responsibility for the attack.
The provincial health minister Dr. Saghir Ahmed said four people were killed and 41 injured.
__
Associated Press writers Zarar Khan in Islamabad and Adil Jawad in Karachi contributed to this report.
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মঙ্গলবার, ১ জানুয়ারি, ২০১৩
Kmart - Up to $130 of fitness equipment
Posted 3 days, 12 hours ago
We love when Nike throws a sale, and their recent Clearance is packed with shoes that haven't even reached the status as outdated yet! Rush over and grab a few pair for yourself and the rest of the family, being sure to add coupon code COMPETE to cut an additional 25% off all Clearance items. Pictures are the Nike Free Run+ 3 shoes, now just $59.97 after all discounts are taken. Offer ends 01/02/2013, take advantage now!
Stores: 20x200, 6pm, Amazon, Apple Store, American Eagle, Banana Republic, Best Buy, Buy.com, Dell, Eastbay, eBags, Eddie Bauer, Endless.com, Home Depot, H&R Block, Kohl's, Macy's, Old Navy, Restaurant.com, Sandals, Shoes.com, Target, Tommy Hilfiger, Toys 'R' Us, Urban Outfitters, Wal-Mart (See more)
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Source: http://www.bargainist.com/deals/2012/12/kmart-up-to-130-of-fitness-equipment-/
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'The Real Housewives Of Atlanta': Phaedra And Cynthia Join Their Husbands At A Strip Club (VIDEO)
On "The Real Housewives of Atlanta," Phaedra and Cynthia were trying to figure out their husbands' fascination with strip clubs. The men regularly frequented them, so their wives decided to join them for one memorable experience. And it certainly was.
"It?s beautiful to me to see women of this age enjoying and celebrating their nude bodies," Phaedra said. "Scrumptious!"
After spending some time with the girls carousing around the club, Cynthia's husband Peter remarked, "If you guys wanted to turn me off from coming to strip clubs, it worked!"
One amusing point had Cynthia wondering about the women on stage -- many were middle-aged and somewhat overweight. "Are these the stippers or can anybody go up there?" she asked. In looking at the women, her husband couldn't honestly answer.
The unexpected twists and turns keep coming on "The Real Housewives of Atlanta," Sundays at 9 p.m. EST on Bravo.
TV Replay scours the vast television landscape to find the most interesting, amusing, and, on a good day, amazing moments, and delivers them right to your browser.
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Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/31/housewives-atlanta-strip-club-video_n_2386465.html
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Roberts urges full financial support for the court
WASHINGTON (AP) ? Urging full financial support for the U.S. court system, Chief Justice John Roberts said in his year-end report Monday that the federal judiciary, unlike executive branch agencies, does not have discretionary programs it can eliminate or projects it can postpone.
The judiciary has been doing its part to carefully manage "its tiny portion of the federal budget" and because the courts have already pursued cost-containment so aggressively, it will become increasingly difficult to economize further without reducing the quality of judicial services, said Roberts.
The chief justice's report came amid a New Year's Eve drama as President Barack Obama worked with Congress to avert the fiscal cliff. The White House and congressional Republicans agreed to block across-the-board tax increases set for midnight, but held up a final deal as they haggled away the final hours of 2012 in a dispute over spending cuts.
Virtually all of the judiciary's core functions are constitutionally and statutorily required, Roberts said in his year-end report.
"The courts must resolve all criminal and civil cases that fall within their jurisdiction, often under tight time constraints," said Roberts. "A significant and prolonged shortfall in judicial funding would inevitably result in the delay or denial of justice for the people the courts serve."
"I therefore encourage the president and Congress to be especially attentive to the needs of the judicial branch and provide the resources necessary for its operations," said Roberts.
In the just-ended fiscal year, the Supreme Court requested an appropriation of $75.6 million for judicial operations ? a 2.8 percent decrease from the previous year's $77.8 million. In the current fiscal year that began Oct. 1, the Supreme Court's appropriation request rose to $77.2 million, largely in response to new judicial security needs ? but still less than its fiscal year 2011 request.
In his report, Roberts said that for fiscal year 2014, the court will submit an appropriation request of $74.9 million ? a 3.7 percent decrease from its fiscal year 2011 request.
The chief justice said that in the 2012 fiscal year, the judiciary, including the Supreme Court, other federal courts, the Administrative Office of the United States Courts, and the Federal Judicial Center, received $6.97 billion in appropriations, representing "a mere two-tenths of 1 percent of the United States' total budget of $3.7 trillion."
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